Exclusive: Amazon’s Bottom-Selling Biography
SALEM, ORE. — Walter Isaacson’s biography “Ray Hargreaves” is the least popular book in the nation. Initially scheduled to be published in 2012 with the title “Too Soon,” plans for the book changed when Ray got bored of proofreading.
“I maintained I had no skeletons in my closet that could’t be allowed out,” Ray recalls. “It turns out that actually makes for a pretty dull read; which is why the last half was changed into a choose-your-own-adventure story.”
Ray’s parents were dumbfounded by the release, citing his incorrect portrayals of them as “completely baseless and untrue,” Vickie said. “We’re not old.” She then proceeded to watch an episode of “Murder She Wrote” recorded on a VHS tape.
“I figured he would quiz me on it, so I just got the main points via Cliff Notes,” his brother admitted. “I mean, why would I read stories about his childhood when I actually had to suffer through them?”
After reading Steve Jobs’ biography, most were appalled at Ray’s outrageous behavior in the workplace. “He was always nice to other employees, loved to smile, and never raised his voice,” one reviewer said. “Completely uncalled for.”
Even 2P START! co-creator Tim Harding was quoted as saying, “Ray and I ended our website over a year and a half ago. Why am I still being interviewed for these newsletters?”
But the book has been a surprisingly big hit with children, who find the wacky mazes and color-by-number pages to be especially entertaining. “Ray’s an epicure of his genre,” a surprisingly articulate eight year-old said. “Especially with regard to Sonic fan fiction.”
Here’s my article from our 22nd annual family newsletter. I figured there was enough here for you to enjoy, and be sure to check out the last decade or so if you’d like more. What’s interesting to me is that we’ve kept true to our original format, which in its day was pretty unique, but in the wake of how much photoshop/parody/color there is on the internet nowadays it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. Ah traditions…