Exclusive: Amazon’s Bottom-Selling Biography

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SALEM, ORE. — Walter Isaacson’s biography “Ray Hargreaves” is the least popular book in the nation. Initially scheduled to be published in 2012 with the title “Too Soon,” plans for the book changed when Ray got bored of proofreading.

“I maintained I had no skeletons in my closet that could’t be allowed out,” Ray recalls. “It turns out that actually makes for a pretty dull read; which is why the last half was changed into a choose-your-own-adventure story.”

Ray’s parents were dumbfounded by the release, citing his incorrect portrayals of them as “completely baseless and untrue,” Vickie said. “We’re not old.” She then proceeded to watch an episode of “Murder She Wrote” recorded on a VHS tape.

“I figured he would quiz me on it, so I just got the main points via Cliff Notes,” his brother admitted. “I mean, why would I read stories about his childhood when I actually had to suffer through them?”

After reading Steve Jobs’ biography, most were appalled at Ray’s outrageous behavior in the workplace. “He was always nice to other employees, loved to smile, and never raised his voice,” one reviewer said. “Completely uncalled for.”

Even 2P START! co-creator Tim Harding was quoted as saying, “Ray and I ended our website over a year and a half ago. Why am I still being interviewed for these newsletters?”

But the book has been a surprisingly big hit with children, who find the wacky mazes and color-by-number pages to be especially entertaining. “Ray’s an epicure of his genre,” a surprisingly articulate eight year-old said. “Especially with regard to Sonic fan fiction.”

RayHere’s my article from our 22nd annual family newsletter. I figured there was enough here for you to enjoy, and be sure to check out the last decade or so if you’d like more. What’s interesting to me is that we’ve kept true to our original format, which in its day was pretty unique, but in the wake of how much photoshop/parody/color there is on the internet nowadays it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. Ah traditions…


19 Comments

  1. Corbin Brickhouse says:

    OH MY GOSH! Why isn’t this on sale yet!?

  2. Mr. Saxaphone says:

    lol wut? Any 2P START! is funny. I’ve been starved of real humor so long! Please come back, I.. i can’t live without you. Please, for the children i wont have to murder.

  3. Mr. Saxaphone says:

    I want to subscribe to your news paper.

  4. Mr. Saxaphone says:

    does anypony look at 2pstart any more

  5. Mr. Saxaphone says:

    spam

  6. Mr. Saxaphone says:

    2P START! used to be good

    Then it took an arrow to the knee,

    First arrow to the knee joke of 2P START! i’m so proud of myself.

  7. Joonamo says:

    Read ALL the posts from 2p Start!

  8. ScopedShotgun says:

    I would actually pay money for this.

    Heck, I’m already starting my own autobiography:

    “The-”

    I still need to tweak a few things though.

  9. Laelaps says:

    Whoa! I never knew that that archive existed!

  10. KickAwesome says:

    1) Archive. Yes. *drool*
    2) If you bothered to make a coloring book, I would buy it.

  11. zeldadude says:

    I would totally read this. Of course, I’m the guy with the worlds strangest likes and dislikes. I’m the guy who finishes up Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker for the fiftieth time and gets back to their My Little Pony: Friendship is magic/Dark Tower fanfiction. I’m the guy who plays listens to Coldplay, Green Day, Owl City, They Might Be Giants, and U2. No, really, I actually do all that stuff. I’m absolutely completely serious. If you don’t believe me, I’ll be posting the Dark Tower/MLP thing on Equestria Daily relatively soon, and everything else I can’t prove, but it’s all true!

    • Mr. Saxaphone says:

      Bonies unite! It is always nice to find a brother.

    • Mr. Saxaphone says:

      i am not good at catching typos. Love and tolerate.

      • Zeldadude says:

        Actually, that’s kind of overused nowadays. I read an interesting article about bronies, and the various levels of obsession. (from “love and tolerate the crap out of everyone you see” to “OMFG YOU EFFING RETARD STOP BEING SO GAY!”) I like to think I’m in the middle, I like the show, and I’ll talk about it, but I’m not gonna shove it down peoples throats for no reason other than they were with at some point in time after I discovered ponies.
        And that’s my daily rant! see ya later!

  12. Mr. Saxaphone says:

    Rays face hair is unfitting

  13. Mr. Saxophone says:

    LOL im at the miscrosoft store

  14. cwjakesteel says:

    Huh…I come one here after a couple months….Miss you guys….Also, what happened to 2PreSTART!? It’s site is not up…

  15. Moonjuice7 says:

    Excellent work on the 2013Ray. Looking forward to the new design and hoping it brings some interesting developments. (like more podcasts/comics in 2014). Keep up the awesomeness, and until you next podcast, I’m Moonjuice7, and this has been my comment.

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